The leader of North Korea Kim Jong Il died this week. He is known popularly as an evil, totalitarian dictator who kept his country in darkness and poverty whilst he lavishly spent money on Hennesy Cognac and McDonalds. North Korea has released videos of their citizens crying like children who just simultaneously grazed their knee and lost both their parents in a car accident. They make Jack from Lost look positively happy in comparison:
But imagine for a second that the people crying in North Korea weren't being forced to cry at gun point, and that they genuinely worship Kim Jong Il. If you live in North Korea there is a lot to be thankful to Kim Jong Il for. He invented the hamburger for one. Only he renamed it 'double bread with meat' because hamburger is a bit of a mouthful. He was also claimed to be able to influence weather in Korea with his mood like a short, fat Zeus. But the best story by far is about his birth. In North Korean historical literature it is claimed that Kim Jong Il was born in a secret base inside Korea's most sacred mountain and at the very moment his head tore apart his mother's cervix a double rainbow appeared, a new star was born, and the seasons changed from Winter to Spring. Quite the entrance into the world! (He was actually born in Russia, presumably into a pile of snow).
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| Many North Koreans believe Kim Jong Il to have been snubbed at the Oscars for his starring role in Team America |
But before you laugh all Kim Jong Il's insanity off, may I remind you of someone else whose birth was apparently signified by the appearance of a star:
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| Happy Birthday J-man! |
J-Man, J-dawg, J-dizzle! The one and only Jesus Christ! A man who tore apart not only his mother's cervix but also her hymen on his way out. The same man who claimed to turn water into wine, allow the blind to see, feed five thousand people with only a few pieces of fish and bread, and survive in the desert for 40 days and nights without food or water. The Western world laughs at North Korea's 'sadness' at the death of their insane leader while getting ready to celebrate a holiday popularised by Pagans the birth of a man who claimed to do even crazier shit a couple thousand years earlier. The claims made by Kim Jong Il even look relatively believable compared to what happens in the Bible. At least Kim Jong Il never made any illusions about his mother being a virgin and at least he didn't claim to turn one double bread with meat into 2000 double bread's with meat.
The biggest thing separating Jesus and Kim Jong Il is time and a really old book. In a thousand years time people might be spouting the word of Kim Jong Il in the streets because they don't know how to read with a pinch of salt, and on Kimjongmass they will be eating hamburgers instead of turkey.
To summarise: Kim Jong Il is a shit version of Jesus, but at least we have proof of Kim Jong Il existing. Happy fucking Christmas everyone. Or if your reading a thousand years in the future, happy fucking Kimjongmass.
For more fun Kim Jong Il facts look here.
