Alien almost ruined vaginas for me. Almost.

10 years before I slithered out of my mother's babyshoot Alien was released in cinemas. This film played on man's fear of being torn apart by a 7ft creature made of spikes, teeth, extra teeth, acid and phallic symbolism. The film was full of sexual imagery and used it to great effect to make people back in '79 shit their pants and get the weirdest boner of their life. 

I mostly come at night...mostly...

I braved watching the Alien movies at the tender age of 12. I was a fairly innocent 12 year old so I didn't pick up on any of the sexual imagery of the Alien creatures. Obviously with age and the first curious session of masturbation I became more interested in female anatomy and sex in general. Little did I know I had been tainted by these movies. The first time I saw a vagina spread eagled I couldn't help but be reminded of this: 

I bet some of you reading this were doubting how obvious the sexual imagery in Alien really was. I have a hard time trying to think of anything the 'facehugger' reminds me of other than a vagina. When I was 12 pornography was hard to come by, especially when I still had dial up at this point. I would eagerly wait 5 minutes to load just one picture, only to not be able to get the image of this Alien face rapist out of my mind. 


Not only does Alien attempt to make vaginas even more terrifying it also plagued many a sex act for me:

'He's coming outta the Goddamn...mouth?'

Jizz is not just baby gravy, but also android juice. You cannot watch this scene and look at any cum shot or jizz dribble in the same way again. I had seen this film countless times before I had even seen any type of jizz so any picture or scene involving God's natural glue was always going to remind me of an android vomiting milk. 


Then in sex education they told us that it wasn't uncommon for a girl to bleed when losing her virginity. All I saw was: 

'Game over man, game over...'

Then when learning of oral sex and seeing some pictures of girls sitting on guy's face all I could think was:

'Looks like love at first sight to me'

The moral of the story is; sometimes age restrictions are there for a reason. Don't 12 year old boy watch a movie about vaginas and dicks eating people before he has even seen any images of detailed genitalia. Show him some porn, then let him watch Alien. Otherwise they'll end up as warped as me. 
Despite all this though by the time I was 15 I was a fully fledged sex pest so it didn't deter me much as soon as those hormones were in full swing. 


Aliens did however give me some great sex advice: use 'short, controlled bursts!'.


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