Being single

It has been 4 months since I have written a blog here so I felt it was high time I updated it. Not much has changed in those months but I am now single! After 3 and a half years me and my ex called it a day. This means that my vulgar and twisted mind needs to learn how to communicate with people of the opposite sex once again. I am 3 years out of practise, and even back then my technique consisted of getting really drunk then ploughing onto the dance floor in hope that my gyrating hips and 80s dance moves might not repulse every single girl there. My success rate wasn't great. So I must learn how to 'play the game' as such, and I plan on documenting my journey to stud-dom here. So here's what I've learned so far.

The clubbing scene.


I really, really want to love clubs. They are the meat market of pulling hot spots. I actually have a lot of fun getting drunk, doing the robot, and generally pissing about with friends. But the whole 'shoes and shirt' thing needs to change. As a man I am forced to wear smart shoes and a smart shirt to be allowed entry. I wouldn't mind this if it wasn't for the fact that I will undoubtedly get some drunk girl's heal pounded on top of my foot, taking a chunk out of my best shoes . This is after some 6ft Rugby player has barged into her, knocking her Bacardi and Coke all over the aforementioned shirt. Instead of a dress code clubs should provide their customers with a poncho and wooden clogs.


As for attracting the opposite sex in a club I can't help but notice everyone is at their worst. Eyes are drooping, sweat patches are appearing, and kissing anyone in a club is like playing vomit roulette. If your lucky they haven't puked, if you're really unlucky you might end up with a chunk'o'chunder in your own mouth. All of this coupled by the fact that everyone around the club seems to be doing this:

It really doesn't make for the sexiest environment to meet people. The remedy I have found is to drink so much you no longer care. Still, no luck thus far.


Text message etiquette.


"How long should I wait before I text her? Should I text her back instantly to show I'm keen or wait half a day so I don't seem desperate? What if she asks to sext, I hate sexting?! Do I match her kisses or give her less because I'm a man!? AND WHY CAN'T I STOP MAKING THE :P FACE IN EVERY GODDAMN TXT I SEND?!" - These are all questions any man with a half a pair of testicles wouldn't worry about. But I am no ordinary man. My main concern is that something I say will be taken the wrong way so I find myself constantly using emoticons to make sure that no text message may be misconstrued. This means that in every text message I send to a female will be full of :)s, :Ps and ;)s. The downside to this is I look like a 14 year old with a severe addiction to MSN messenger. Conclusion: my text message communication needs desperate attention.

Fuckin' mobiles

So far in my adventures of being single I have:

• Lost a mobile
• Had a wallet stolen
• Torn a ligament in my knee requiring me to spend 6 weeks on crutches. So if you know anyone with a House (the Hugh Laurie kind) or cripple fetish send them my way.
• Smiled at many ladies, only to have them smile back causing instant panic, immediate looks to the floor and profuse sweating. Beta male all the way.

I have much to learn.

Hugh Laurie anyone?