Alien almost ruined vaginas for me. Almost.

10 years before I slithered out of my mother's babyshoot Alien was released in cinemas. This film played on man's fear of being torn apart by a 7ft creature made of spikes, teeth, extra teeth, acid and phallic symbolism. The film was full of sexual imagery and used it to great effect to make people back in '79 shit their pants and get the weirdest boner of their life. 

I mostly come at night...mostly...

I braved watching the Alien movies at the tender age of 12. I was a fairly innocent 12 year old so I didn't pick up on any of the sexual imagery of the Alien creatures. Obviously with age and the first curious session of masturbation I became more interested in female anatomy and sex in general. Little did I know I had been tainted by these movies. The first time I saw a vagina spread eagled I couldn't help but be reminded of this: 

I bet some of you reading this were doubting how obvious the sexual imagery in Alien really was. I have a hard time trying to think of anything the 'facehugger' reminds me of other than a vagina. When I was 12 pornography was hard to come by, especially when I still had dial up at this point. I would eagerly wait 5 minutes to load just one picture, only to not be able to get the image of this Alien face rapist out of my mind. 


Not only does Alien attempt to make vaginas even more terrifying it also plagued many a sex act for me:

'He's coming outta the Goddamn...mouth?'

Jizz is not just baby gravy, but also android juice. You cannot watch this scene and look at any cum shot or jizz dribble in the same way again. I had seen this film countless times before I had even seen any type of jizz so any picture or scene involving God's natural glue was always going to remind me of an android vomiting milk. 


Then in sex education they told us that it wasn't uncommon for a girl to bleed when losing her virginity. All I saw was: 

'Game over man, game over...'

Then when learning of oral sex and seeing some pictures of girls sitting on guy's face all I could think was:

'Looks like love at first sight to me'

The moral of the story is; sometimes age restrictions are there for a reason. Don't 12 year old boy watch a movie about vaginas and dicks eating people before he has even seen any images of detailed genitalia. Show him some porn, then let him watch Alien. Otherwise they'll end up as warped as me. 
Despite all this though by the time I was 15 I was a fully fledged sex pest so it didn't deter me much as soon as those hormones were in full swing. 


Aliens did however give me some great sex advice: use 'short, controlled bursts!'.


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Amazon recommends you lose weight, fat ass.

Many months ago I bought an Xbox Kinect. It was the one controller that my girlfriend might be able to use. She didn't need to hold it, it didn't have buttons, and it couldn't be thrown at my person in frustration. My head was full of images of me sitting on the sofa, watching her jump up and down whilst I secretly recorded videos and posted them on Youtube. Unfortunately she's far too aware that I'm a bit of a prick, so any secret filming of her jumping up and down whilst playing 'Kinect jumpy funfun' is impossible. 

"Okay we'll both slap her ass....3...2...1!"

We did however get quite a lot of fun out of it for a couple of weeks and as I'm not allowed to spend my spare cash on strippers and blow, it wasn't the biggest waste of money imaginable. My gripe isn't with Kinect however, as the reason it doesn't get a lot of use is that it requires far too much movement and I find sitting down and drinking beer far more tempting than punching thin air and running on the spot (first world problems eh?). My problem is with the shitty Amazon Recommendations that have followed my purchase of said peripheral device from Amazon. Behold: 

Half-Life 2 is acceptable. The rest can gtfo. 

Not one, but two fitness games on the same page. Thanks Amazon. Thanks for assuming I'm so fat that I want to play 'The Biggest Loser' at home. Maybe I can compete with all the other fatties that I'm friends with, just so I can be branded the thinnest fatty. Not that I have any friends because I'm so fat I probably ate them. So instead of competing with friends I'll probably just cry whilst rubbing salad all over my naked, sweaty body screaming 'why won't you satisfy me?' at the top of my lungs. All whilst some smug prick repeats 'don't give up fatty' from my TV. 


These 'recommendations' are constantly being shoved in my face on Amazon, as if to say 'hey! Stop trying to eat your Kinect chubby and use it to get fit!'. Clearly Amazon is of the impression that people only buy the Kinect to lose weight, and not as a secret ploy to watch their significant other jump up and down so you can ask if her if she wants fries with that shake?


It doesn't stop there however. Even being considered a candidate for 'The Biggest Loser' is preferable to this:

Scary Spice?! 

Fuck you Amazon. I am a man. A man who drinks beer, farts profusely, and who liberally scratches himself in public. I do not need a female pop icon  from a band who popularised the phrase 'girl power' teaching me Yoga. I bet she yells phrases like 'you go girl' and 'work it ladyflaps' just for added feminine appeal. Amazon, you have hurt my feelings and now my masculinity. Why don't you just recommend I buy a big fat pack of tampons and a Michael Bublé CD?!

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Videogames will turn your pork sword into a vagina

Men are in trouble. We are out of work in record figures, fewer of us are going on to higher education, and we aren't around for our children as much (apparently...). Who or what is to blame for all this? Videogames of course! At least they are if you are believe the ramblings of 68 year old William J. Bennet over at CNN. I'm not certain what makes a fat ex-politician approaching his seventies an expert on videogames and the younger male generation, but apparently he is qualified enough to write an article about it.

'I der know 'bout dem videogames 'n' stuffs' - William J. Bennet.  

Of course if you read his article (I wouldn't recommend it) he seems more concerned with the fact that men are being outdone by women than any 'real' male centred crisis. His opening line 'for the first time in history, women are better educated, more ambitious and arguably more successful than men' certainly doesn't seem all that concerned with the 'decline' of the male gender, but more concerned that men are being outdone by those walking dishwashers/pleasure holes/baby factories they call 'women' *shivers*. 

In Mr Bennet's eyes society shouted "you go girl" (Bennet's down with the kids see?!) in response to the female gender's growing ambition, ignoring any confrontation that may have met the feminist movement initially. Maybe he would have preferred us to shout "make me a damn sandwich" instead, lest those women actually utilise equality to their advantage. William J Bennet is also terribly concerned that he has heard a growing amount of women asking "where are the decent single men?". Now I don't imagine Mr Bennet's social circles puts him around many single women and he has instead got this impression from watching far too much Sex in the City with his immensely unsatisfied wife (she doesn't have a double chin fetish sadly).  

You can't find a good man because you're a bunch of dried up skanks who hang around with a horse. 

To fix all this Mr Bennet has some wonderful words of advice to all 20something men "get off the video games five hours a day, get yourself together, get a challenging job and get married". This is the only way men will be able to claim back their place as top dog and once again send women back to the fiery pit of the kitchen. This whole argument is based on the fact that videogames are an entirely male driven phenomenon. But women play videogames as well and female gamers are on the increase.  

I swear to God that controller better be an elaborate sandwich woman!

I swear to God that controller better be an elaborate sandwich woman! 

My conclusion is that this whole article by Mr Bennet stems on his own struggle with masculinity after his wife stuck her finger up his pooper. He now thinks that women are trying to take over the world. It has nothing to do with videogames but they make an easy target to pin the blame. I, for one couldn't give a shit if women did become the dominant sex. Hear me out gentlemen; maybe girls could work all day long whilst we all sit at home and play videogames? I wouldn't even mind making her a sandwich from time to time if that was the case. 

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