Many months ago I bought an Xbox Kinect. It was the one controller that my girlfriend might be able to use. She didn't need to hold it, it didn't have buttons, and it couldn't be thrown at my person in frustration. My head was full of images of me sitting on the sofa, watching her jump up and down whilst I secretly recorded videos and posted them on Youtube. Unfortunately she's far too aware that I'm a bit of a prick, so any secret filming of her jumping up and down whilst playing 'Kinect jumpy funfun' is impossible.
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| "Okay we'll both slap her ass....3...2...1!" |
We did however get quite a lot of fun out of it for a couple of weeks and as I'm not allowed to spend my spare cash on strippers and blow, it wasn't the biggest waste of money imaginable. My gripe isn't with Kinect however, as the reason it doesn't get a lot of use is that it requires far too much movement and I find sitting down and drinking beer far more tempting than punching thin air and running on the spot (first world problems eh?). My problem is with the shitty Amazon Recommendations that have followed my purchase of said peripheral device from Amazon. Behold:
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| Half-Life 2 is acceptable. The rest can gtfo. |
Not one, but two fitness games on the same page. Thanks Amazon. Thanks for assuming I'm so fat that I want to play 'The Biggest Loser' at home. Maybe I can compete with all the other fatties that I'm friends with, just so I can be branded the thinnest fatty. Not that I have any friends because I'm so fat I probably ate them. So instead of competing with friends I'll probably just cry whilst rubbing salad all over my naked, sweaty body screaming 'why won't you satisfy me?' at the top of my lungs. All whilst some smug prick repeats 'don't give up fatty' from my TV.
These 'recommendations' are constantly being shoved in my face on Amazon, as if to say 'hey! Stop trying to eat your Kinect chubby and use it to get fit!'. Clearly Amazon is of the impression that people only buy the Kinect to lose weight, and not as a secret ploy to watch their significant other jump up and down so you can ask if her if she wants fries with that shake?
It doesn't stop there however. Even being considered a candidate for 'The Biggest Loser' is preferable to this:
These 'recommendations' are constantly being shoved in my face on Amazon, as if to say 'hey! Stop trying to eat your Kinect chubby and use it to get fit!'. Clearly Amazon is of the impression that people only buy the Kinect to lose weight, and not as a secret ploy to watch their significant other jump up and down so you can ask if her if she wants fries with that shake?
It doesn't stop there however. Even being considered a candidate for 'The Biggest Loser' is preferable to this:
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| Scary Spice?! |
Fuck you Amazon. I am a man. A man who drinks beer, farts profusely, and who liberally scratches himself in public. I do not need a female pop icon from a band who popularised the phrase 'girl power' teaching me Yoga. I bet she yells phrases like 'you go girl' and 'work it ladyflaps' just for added feminine appeal. Amazon, you have hurt my feelings and now my masculinity. Why don't you just recommend I buy a big fat pack of tampons and a Michael Bublé CD?!
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