Run, Forest! Run!

I graduated University back in 2010 and at the time it was the conclusion to a manic three years of booze, videogames, and junk food. It was everything I expected and wanted, however what I didn't expect was to come out the other side feeling like a fat load. It turns out eating nothing but cheese based foods followed by gallons of beer and rum is not good for your waist line. So I, like many others, made it my new years resolution to improve my level of fitness and fight the beer belly. To ensure I did this I signed myself up to a half marathon hoping the pressure of the event would force me to go running. To a degree it has worked and next month on the 11th March I am going to be running 13.1 miles to raise money for charity.


13.1 miles is a long distance. When I signed up to do this run I hadn't quite fathomed that 13.1 miles is a sizeable distance. Shortly after my first run, where I assumed I had hit the 5 mile mark only to realise it was closer to the 2 mile mark did it hit home that this wasn't going to be as easy as I first thought. 13.1 miles is really far. They shouldn't call it a 'half marathon' but a marathon. Then call a marathon a 'double marathon' or something. 


But the real reason for this blog post is I am plugging for support. I am hoping to raise money for the NSPCC who help protect vulnerable children. My money raising page can be found here and any amount you can give will be used for a good cause! So dig deep and throw some monetary encouragement my way. So c'mon don't be shy and just imagine every £ you give is a punch to a paedophiles face.

Yahoo...answers?

My adventures on the internet have led to me to 'Yahoo! Answers'. This is a website where users post questions that Google couldn't answer, and instead get people to find the answer for them. The questions are often hilarious and offer significant proof that humanity has some serious issues. Case number one:

Just why? I imagine it would tickle like crazy for a start. Surely the minute the cat's sandpapery tongue hits those delicate nipples you drop kick it into another room, instead of letting the cat continue for such a length of time your nipples change colour? If your nipples have turned yellow, for whatever reason, you should probably see your doctor. Unless your cat has some sort of infection and has just dribbled harmless gunk all over your nipple. In no circumstance should you begin a search for Jesus as he does not own a medical degree, nor does he have veterinary knowledge of cats.

Well at least the cat might have been getting some form of sordid pleasure but the same cannot be said for this poor turtle. Masturbation is often an emotional thing, especially during the shame filled aftermath whilst you pull out the globules of semen from your public hair from where you accidentally tilted the tissue paper you hoped would catch your load. Masturbating is a private thing and taking it out on your pet turtle is completely irrational as he holds no blame in your act.  

'You like to watch don't you Mr. Turtle?'

Now for a mother whacking off her son. Lol. 

This is why prostitution should be legalised. No boy should have to lose out on playing with himself because he has no arms and no mother should ever have to fill in the void left by Mr. Righthand. This poor boy has no arms and now he's getting his Dad's sloppy seconds. Imagine how awkward dinner would be in that family, especially when the husband notices the sudden muscle growth in his wife's arm. At least we know this kid isn't throwing any turtles at the walls though.


Of course this is the internet where everything is potentially made up and with stories like these we can only hope.

2011: The greatest hits

2011 is over and 2012 is now upon us. The blog has been running regularly since August now so I would like to take this moment to thank everyone who has been reading regularly for all the support. As it stands the blog has reached 7093 hits which is an amazing figure to hit for someone of my limited skills and talent. The blog is now receiving fairly regular hits from Google (for all the wrong reasons...more on that at a later date!) and I plan to continue to write here into 2012. 


For now I am going to look at the 5 Greatest Hits from 2011. 


5. This woman wants to wear my skin like a glove 

In at number 5 we have an instance of batshit crazy meeting office banality in the blog entry that kick started this whole blog. The 'stationery girl' was a twisted muse that was so unintentionally hilarious I knew I had to share her emails and art work with the world. This blog had a sequel entry: 'I'd probably get a boob job if it meant a week off work' with additional art. To this day I still order stationery from the same person and company but 'stationery girl' has definitely become a lot less entertaining in her emails and no longer experiments with Microsoft Paint. 


4. Amazon recommends you lose weight, fat ass.

The fourth most visited blog entry is a long winded Michael Bublé joke centred around the Xbox Kinect. Soon after buying the Kinect I soon started realising that the majority of my 'Amazon Recommendations' had become a lot more exercise orientated and female friendly, with recommendations as hurtful as 'Get Fit with Mel B'.

It looks so manly...how was I to know? 

3. Videogames will turn your pork sword into a vagina.

Third position is taken by the rant I wrote about William J. Bennet's comments about videogames being the bane of masculinity and his concern over female success. In a blog almost devoid of smut and filth I am fairly surprised about the amount of hits it has received. Perhaps it was the flattering picture of the retired politician that brought in the numbers? 

..nope. 

2. Is Google insane or is Twilight to blame?

In at the number 2 spot is the blog centred around one of Google's strangest 'suggestions'. I explained it all perfectly with a little help from the Twilight books. Be sure to read my experience with the Twilight Breaking Dawn film for more sparkly vampire fuelled rants. 


1. Dear Pornography, we need to talk. 


Apparently putting 'pornography' is the best way to attract hits. This blog in particular has almost triple the amount of views than the number two spot. The accompanying Youtube video alone has over 700 hits! The tongue in cheek pornography criticism proved quite the hit but perhaps it was just the sight of seeing me pretend to masturbate?


Thanks for the support everyone, this is how you make me feel: 

Kim Jong Il and Jesus

The leader of North Korea Kim Jong Il died this week. He is known popularly as an evil, totalitarian dictator who kept his country in darkness and poverty whilst he lavishly spent money on Hennesy Cognac and McDonalds. North Korea has released videos of their citizens crying like children who just simultaneously grazed their knee and lost both their parents in a car accident. They make Jack from Lost look positively happy in comparison:

But imagine for a second that the people crying in North Korea weren't being forced to cry at gun point, and that they genuinely worship Kim Jong Il. If you live in North Korea there is a lot to be thankful to Kim Jong Il for. He invented the hamburger for one. Only he renamed it 'double bread with meat' because hamburger is a bit of a mouthful. He was also claimed to be able to influence weather in Korea with his mood like a short, fat Zeus. But the best story by far is about his birth. In North Korean historical literature it is claimed that Kim Jong Il was born in a secret base inside Korea's most sacred mountain and at the very moment his head tore apart his mother's cervix a double rainbow appeared, a new star was born, and the seasons changed from Winter to Spring. Quite the entrance into the world! (He was actually born in Russia, presumably into a pile of snow). 

Many North Koreans believe Kim Jong Il to have been snubbed at the Oscars for his starring role in Team America

But before you laugh all Kim Jong Il's insanity off, may I remind you of someone else whose birth was apparently signified by the appearance of a star: 

Happy Birthday J-man!

J-Man, J-dawg, J-dizzle! The one and only Jesus Christ! A man who tore apart not only his mother's cervix but also her hymen on his way out. The same man who claimed to turn water into wine, allow the blind to see, feed five thousand people with only a few pieces of fish and bread, and survive in the desert for 40 days and nights without food or water. The Western world laughs at North Korea's 'sadness' at the death of their insane leader while getting ready to celebrate a holiday popularised by Pagans the birth of a man who claimed to do even crazier shit a couple thousand years earlier. The claims made by Kim Jong Il even look relatively believable compared to what happens in the Bible. At least Kim Jong Il never made any illusions about his mother being a virgin and at least he didn't claim to turn one double bread with meat into 2000 double bread's with meat.  

The biggest thing separating Jesus and Kim Jong Il is time and a really old book. In a thousand years time people might be spouting the word of Kim Jong Il in the streets because they don't know how to read with a pinch of salt, and on Kimjongmass they will be eating hamburgers instead of turkey. 

To summarise: Kim Jong Il is a shit version of Jesus, but at least we have proof of Kim Jong Il existing. Happy fucking Christmas everyone. Or if your reading a thousand years in the future, happy fucking Kimjongmass. 

For more fun Kim Jong Il facts look here.