This woman wants to wear my skin like a glove.

During my time as a working male very little of interest has happened. I am basically the Office Bitch who does the mundane tasks necessary to keep the office running smoothly. Ordering stationery is a part of my job, and one of the more fun jobs (a sad existence I know...). Who doesn't like stationery!? Well whatever, my job isn't riveting.


Recently a young lady has been calling me to start ordering from her company. Let's call her 'Stationery Girl'. She was cheerful, chatty, and slightly flirty. All of which I didn't mind. Having been with my current girlfriend for almost 3 years any female attention is welcome as my girlfriend certainly doesn't find me charming any more (a woman has limits on how funny she can find bowel movement sound effects).

The downside is it turns out this 'Stationery Girl' is actually a little unhinged. 

Her initial e-mail seems relatively professional and well, normal. Only being her second day I felt keen to give her a little boost by agreeing to let her send me a stationery catalogue. However I find it hard to get the image of a 'wobbly waffle' out of my head. My first instinct tells me that she of course means her verbal diahorrea, yet my filthy mind instead paints an image of a jelly vagina. I hope she hasn't had to apologise for that too often. That however says more of my own issues. 

Her next email is friendly and colloquial. Her enthusiasm about rulers, paper, and pens is commendable, even admirable. It's like she's a child with bubbles, but an adult with stationery. 


(I would like to point that their range of free gifts was lacking and I really had very little choice. Otherwise I would have liked a new car.)

For my first order I decided that I would like biscuits for my free gift. Not that I had much choice, it was either biscuits or chocolate. But this is perhaps the first instance of her slightly unhinged nature shining through. Her enthusiasm for stationery is beaten only by her enthusiasm for biscuits. Woopdydoo. 

I am a pretty depraved person and have been known to often say things that would make Charlie Sheen blush, but it doesn't take my warped mind to see the double entendre in that sentence. I apparently did make her smile with my 'big one'. Still it's better than I do in real life, which normally results in making a woman sigh with my average one. 

  
This is where things get weird. After making my second order with her for some loo roll and other cleaning equipment, she decided to express her joy through the medium of Microsoft Paint. 

...words failed me at this point. 


It is worth pointing out I actually own a black rabbit called Maisie, so my natural reaction is to look behind my shoulder very slowly, then check the car park for some sort of rabid sex starved woman. I however do not own a cloudogsheep or a pighamsterfaetus so I accept it for the coincidence I dearly hope it is. 


What makes less sense is the 'Sound of Music' reference. I have never even seen the film the whole way through, didn't like what I did see of the film, and definitely have not discussed it with her, let alone given her any reason to reference it in her masterpiece. 


I am aware using Microsoft Paint isn't easy so for all I know this picture may have taken a lot of effort, but it doesn't change the fact it looks like something an 8 year old would be proud of. Perhaps this stationery company is hiring particularly young.


Read Part 2 Here!