Dear Pornography, we need to talk.

I, like the majority of men watch pornography from time to time. I'm not a regular user, but I do dabble. My girlfriend's general reaction to pornography is 'ew gross' and I don't blame her. It's hard to disagree with her when watching a woman bend her head up towards a 12" dick, hungrily awaiting a face-full of jizz like a baby bird awaits its Mother's regurgitated food. Countless magazine articles recommend watching pornography with your other half to spice up the love life. They are wrong. All pornography does is convince you that a good sex life entails:

• Grabbing and shaking a girls ass like a cocktail shaker.
• Lots of threesomes.
• Spitting all over your girlfriend. Preferably on her ass. The bigger the loogie the better.
• Slapping. Jesus don't forget the slapping. Slap the thighs, ass, boobs, whatever. Then when you're finished, slap her with your cock. 
• An impossibly large penis which looks long enough to penetrate a girl lung should you engage in fellatio. 

Now general life experience has taught me that the vast majority of women don't like a lot of these acts, which is good, because I wouldn't really want to perform any of these acts (and my dick isn't going to be penetrating any lungs). 

Having already admitted to watching pornography it may strike you as strange that I find pornography so bizarre. But pornography wins by default. It's only competition is my imagination, which is severely lacking due to a childhood full of videogames instead of reading books or whatever. To really express the huge range of emotions I feel when watching pornography I felt I needed to put it in video form. Enjoy:

There you have it. Pornography brings me to tears. Or more likely it's the shame of being a grown man and knowing I still fap my todger like I did when I was 14. 

If you like this blog don't forget to leave me a comment. Or if you think I'm a prick leave a comment. Basically leave a comment, or subscribe to the blog or the youtube channel. If people like the video I may be tempted to add my camp West Country drawl to another one. 

A fan picture depicting my death.

This is just a short entry to post up a fan picture from RubyTed in response to the blog entries 'this woman wants to wear my skin like a glove' and 'I'd probably get a boob job if it meant a week off work'. Obviously the high standard of art quality set out by stationery girl are hard to achieve but kudos to RubyTed for trying:

This picture is clearly lacking the intricate details of the work it imitates but it is still a fine piece of art. 'Rubyted' has perfectly captured the tumour I have on my left shoulder and the way my turkey thin neck sits slightly to the right of my collar. Stationery girl also seems to be missing an eye which might explain why she has chosen to kill me with a gardening trowel. It appears 'Rubyted' is also under the impression that stationery girl doesn't own shoes or teeth, which would go some way to explaining her slightly unhinged personality. 


I would love to hear from fans of the blog if only the prove that it isn't just me viewing it! So if you want to get in touch please do so! You can leave a comment or follow me on twitter (theMatty_p_b). Thanks again to 'Rubyted' for her addition! 

The truth behind Jedward's tweets.

I have very recently joined Twitter (follow me @TheMatty_P_B). Deciding who to follow was hard, but following Jedward was an easy decision. After hearing this interview on Radio1 I decided that Jedward are the most mentally unstable entertainers currently in the public eye. Twitter went on to not only prove it, but make it so glaringly obvious I'm surprised that these two Aryan Jimmy Neutron impersonators aren't in a padded cell. For all my non-UK based readers here is a picture:

'Maybe we should kiss to break the tension?'

Despite me having only been following Jedward for a couple of days they have provided me with a wealth of 'Tweets' so bizarrely random that I'm pretty sure I could dedicate this entire blog to their warped minds (don't worry - I won't!).

If any other celebrity made a statement such as this everybody would be suggesting rehab. I like to imagine Jedward  were chowing down on tabs of acid whilst rubbing hairbrushes across their hair and face before writing this tweet. 

With drinking comes urination. It's a fact of life. Most of us urinate from between our legs but apparently not Jedward. I can only assume that they are telling us that they have 2 dicks, one that dangles from their left leg, and another from their right. This would mean when Jedward stand next to each other they would look like a two headed octopus. Awesome. 

I think seals are pretty cool too. They flop around like a fat man with his trousers caught around his cancles. Taking one for sushi would be just the level of crazy that has made Jedward so famous. I can already see the headline 'Jedward ravished by seals after inviting them for sushi'. Would you take this for dinner?  

...you're next Jedward

Ninjas are famous for many things. They are badass, lethal with a blade, and could probably kill you without even moving. They certainly aren't known for their amazing Jedi like accuracy with their piss however. I for one don't pee in the dark as the bathroom light is only an arms reach away from my toilet. Sure when the light hits my sleep addled eyes it feels as though my retinas are melting, but it is preferable to peeing all over the floor. 

Perhaps Jedward's hair is so blonde that it works as some sort of light source allowing them to vaguely see where the toilet is? This would be ignoring the fact that Jedward has a dick dangling from each leg so any accuracy whilst peeing would be impossible. 

Note that all these tweets were captured within a 2 day time frame. There were many more strange tweets that never made the cut. It is easy to laugh at Jedward as quite frankly, they are fucking mental. But their insanity has made them famous and they are probably millionaires by now snorting coke with seals whilst all four of their dicks are being sucked by ninjas.

Like a boss.

Is Google Insane or is Twilight to blame?

Only if it's 69

Now I, like many others, assume that the 'suggestions' given by Google are searches commonly done by other 'Googlers'. This particular search is often cited as one of the most insane of Google suggestions. I find it hard to believe that there are enough women eating their period blood who have only Google to question it's normality to put this suggestion to the top of the list. 

Either Google added this suggestion as a sick joke or people are genuinely searching for this. If this is the case I blame the Twilight novels entirely. 

Twilight fans are so obsessed with the idea of Edward Cullen (who wears glitter and isn't gay or David Bowie?) being their immortal boyfriend that they thought they would give themselves an advanced preview of life as a soulless blood sucking disco ornament by tasting their period blood.

"You going to eat that tampon?"

Fantasising about a boyfriend who watches you sleep, threatens that he may 'lose control' during a kiss (totally not rapey...), and could break your spine if he ever ploughed you with his ice cold weiner is going to go some way to desensitise you from eating your own period blood. For those of you who doubt Twilight fan's love for Edward Cullen here is another Google suggestion:

You heard it here first: Edward Cullen is actually a foot. 

Edward Cullen's imagined sexual prowess is such that his mere beauty alone is enough to make a women climax. Either that or they sprayed whipped cream in their face as part of an equally bizarre sexual fantasy. However all of these women ignore the fact that Edward Cullen's heart no longer functions so any sustained erection would be completely impossible. That and his balls probably shrivelled up in shame when they realised their owner sparkles in sunlight, meaning any climax Edward Cullen had would be mostly made up of dust. 

Edward Cullen climaxes on a man's face

I wonder if stationery girl reads Twilight? It would explain a hell of a lot, and I'd probably feel a degree of sympathy for her knowing she fantasises about either a corpse or a wolf as a boyfriend. Choosing between necrophilia and bestiality is never easy.   

"Don't be silly that's a teabag not a tampon!"

I like to think I single handedly solved the mystery of Google's weirdest suggestion. Agree or disagree? 

I'd probably get a boob job if it meant a week off work.

Read part 1 here! 


My 'big one' wasn't perfect. It arrived with an extra pack of 36 toilet rolls that we didn't order. This meant replying to the bizarre picture email was unavoidable. Since she sent me her Paint masterpiece there had been no contact between us. It was the elephant in the Outlook. I mean what do you say in reply to something like that? 'I love the shading on the grass'? 'The detail on the pighamsterfaetus is excellent'? I decided to just commend her artist efforts with 'I liked the picture, looking forward to the next one' tagged on to an awkward email about how we didn't want their crappy 2 ply toilet paper. That's just asking for fingers to go through the toilet paper. 

Now I assumed the bog roll issue was just a simple error and wouldn't go as far to call it 'unacceptable behaviour' but perhaps 'Lady' is really upset that she would think me naive enough to buy 2ply toilet paper. Few things are as degrading as having to wash own your excrement off your fingers. 


Today's picture however is of her colleague, who has not been mentioned to me as of yet, but apparently I should have a pictorial representation of her.  'Lady' has also drawn her colleague's dog (who we shall refer to as Tits Magee), which she notes is a 'Pomeranian'. This leads me to believe that she put a bit more effort into drawing the dog than she did with her previous animal creations, indicating perhaps that she tried to capture the unusual fluffy nature of said breed. 


Here is 'Tits Magee' with her Pomperanian:

Now as bizarre as this picture is at least it has some basis in the realms of reality and has not simply come from watching The Sound of Music on acid. However perhaps instead of getting a boob job 'Tits Magee' should have had a hand transplant. Not sure whether a hand transplant would be possible given her arms appear to giant Wotsits sprayed in blood. At first I considered that maybe she sold her hands to some sort of hand pervert to pay for the boob job - hence the blood, but this seems impossible given the smile on her face. 


Her dog seems to share the same Wotsit tone of Tits Magee's skin, which makes me think this particular version of MS Paint has a very limited colour pallet. The dog does appear to be in very ill health, raising concern over the animal's well-being. For starters both eyes appear to be riddled with multiple cataracts meaning the dog is likely completely blind (perhaps it ate it's owners hands thinking they were Wotsits). If you look to the rear of the animal it is also apparent that the anus seems to be hanging out of the animal, closely remembling Steven Tyler's lips (see below).

Case in Point.

My main concern however is that the dog's back leg(s) seem to be wasting away almost as if it is suffering from muscular dystrophy. It seems that it's already lost one leg from the disease slowly eating away at its body, and has some sort of stump instead. The front legs in strict contrast look like they were amputated straight off the Elephant man. I can only assume this poor dog is riddled with disease. I hate to say it but I can only recommend putting this poor animal to sleep. 


Hopefully the animal will get smothered in those sweet new boobies before passing away though.

Go peacefully fluffy one. 

Remember if you enjoyed this blog to share, follow, comment and otherwise shove it in your friend's faces. Maybe I'll send you a birthday card with these Paint Masterpieces on if you do.

This woman wants to wear my skin like a glove.

During my time as a working male very little of interest has happened. I am basically the Office Bitch who does the mundane tasks necessary to keep the office running smoothly. Ordering stationery is a part of my job, and one of the more fun jobs (a sad existence I know...). Who doesn't like stationery!? Well whatever, my job isn't riveting.


Recently a young lady has been calling me to start ordering from her company. Let's call her 'Stationery Girl'. She was cheerful, chatty, and slightly flirty. All of which I didn't mind. Having been with my current girlfriend for almost 3 years any female attention is welcome as my girlfriend certainly doesn't find me charming any more (a woman has limits on how funny she can find bowel movement sound effects).

The downside is it turns out this 'Stationery Girl' is actually a little unhinged. 

Her initial e-mail seems relatively professional and well, normal. Only being her second day I felt keen to give her a little boost by agreeing to let her send me a stationery catalogue. However I find it hard to get the image of a 'wobbly waffle' out of my head. My first instinct tells me that she of course means her verbal diahorrea, yet my filthy mind instead paints an image of a jelly vagina. I hope she hasn't had to apologise for that too often. That however says more of my own issues. 

Her next email is friendly and colloquial. Her enthusiasm about rulers, paper, and pens is commendable, even admirable. It's like she's a child with bubbles, but an adult with stationery. 


(I would like to point that their range of free gifts was lacking and I really had very little choice. Otherwise I would have liked a new car.)

For my first order I decided that I would like biscuits for my free gift. Not that I had much choice, it was either biscuits or chocolate. But this is perhaps the first instance of her slightly unhinged nature shining through. Her enthusiasm for stationery is beaten only by her enthusiasm for biscuits. Woopdydoo. 

I am a pretty depraved person and have been known to often say things that would make Charlie Sheen blush, but it doesn't take my warped mind to see the double entendre in that sentence. I apparently did make her smile with my 'big one'. Still it's better than I do in real life, which normally results in making a woman sigh with my average one. 

  
This is where things get weird. After making my second order with her for some loo roll and other cleaning equipment, she decided to express her joy through the medium of Microsoft Paint. 

...words failed me at this point. 


It is worth pointing out I actually own a black rabbit called Maisie, so my natural reaction is to look behind my shoulder very slowly, then check the car park for some sort of rabid sex starved woman. I however do not own a cloudogsheep or a pighamsterfaetus so I accept it for the coincidence I dearly hope it is. 


What makes less sense is the 'Sound of Music' reference. I have never even seen the film the whole way through, didn't like what I did see of the film, and definitely have not discussed it with her, let alone given her any reason to reference it in her masterpiece. 


I am aware using Microsoft Paint isn't easy so for all I know this picture may have taken a lot of effort, but it doesn't change the fact it looks like something an 8 year old would be proud of. Perhaps this stationery company is hiring particularly young.


Read Part 2 Here!