Kim Jong Il and Jesus

The leader of North Korea Kim Jong Il died this week. He is known popularly as an evil, totalitarian dictator who kept his country in darkness and poverty whilst he lavishly spent money on Hennesy Cognac and McDonalds. North Korea has released videos of their citizens crying like children who just simultaneously grazed their knee and lost both their parents in a car accident. They make Jack from Lost look positively happy in comparison:

But imagine for a second that the people crying in North Korea weren't being forced to cry at gun point, and that they genuinely worship Kim Jong Il. If you live in North Korea there is a lot to be thankful to Kim Jong Il for. He invented the hamburger for one. Only he renamed it 'double bread with meat' because hamburger is a bit of a mouthful. He was also claimed to be able to influence weather in Korea with his mood like a short, fat Zeus. But the best story by far is about his birth. In North Korean historical literature it is claimed that Kim Jong Il was born in a secret base inside Korea's most sacred mountain and at the very moment his head tore apart his mother's cervix a double rainbow appeared, a new star was born, and the seasons changed from Winter to Spring. Quite the entrance into the world! (He was actually born in Russia, presumably into a pile of snow). 

Many North Koreans believe Kim Jong Il to have been snubbed at the Oscars for his starring role in Team America

But before you laugh all Kim Jong Il's insanity off, may I remind you of someone else whose birth was apparently signified by the appearance of a star: 

Happy Birthday J-man!

J-Man, J-dawg, J-dizzle! The one and only Jesus Christ! A man who tore apart not only his mother's cervix but also her hymen on his way out. The same man who claimed to turn water into wine, allow the blind to see, feed five thousand people with only a few pieces of fish and bread, and survive in the desert for 40 days and nights without food or water. The Western world laughs at North Korea's 'sadness' at the death of their insane leader while getting ready to celebrate a holiday popularised by Pagans the birth of a man who claimed to do even crazier shit a couple thousand years earlier. The claims made by Kim Jong Il even look relatively believable compared to what happens in the Bible. At least Kim Jong Il never made any illusions about his mother being a virgin and at least he didn't claim to turn one double bread with meat into 2000 double bread's with meat.  

The biggest thing separating Jesus and Kim Jong Il is time and a really old book. In a thousand years time people might be spouting the word of Kim Jong Il in the streets because they don't know how to read with a pinch of salt, and on Kimjongmass they will be eating hamburgers instead of turkey. 

To summarise: Kim Jong Il is a shit version of Jesus, but at least we have proof of Kim Jong Il existing. Happy fucking Christmas everyone. Or if your reading a thousand years in the future, happy fucking Kimjongmass. 

For more fun Kim Jong Il facts look here. 

Breaking Dawn, love, and womb munching

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Baby Blow Jobs and Granny Gang Bangs

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Stan Lee; come at me bro.

On my quest to take over the internet I decided to dabble in Rage Comics. For those of you who have no idea what Rage Comics are take a look here. For those of you who dislike clicking strange links they are basically comics utilising the power of Microsoft Paint to tell humorous stories or anecdotes. 


Here is comic number 1:

This comic is partly inspired by Jedward but it is a definite issue for us men. I cannot do anything at 4am. It's a miracle my legs are functional enough to even get me to the bathroom at that time, to then be able to pull out my piss full member is an almost Godly act. So to all the girlfriends out there: be grateful we didn't just go in the bed, at least you get to sit down when you pee. (Note: Men could also perform a sit-down-wee, but they would more than likely fall asleep on the toilet.) 

So yeah. I had this 'friend'...and he told me that once he had drunken sexy time with his girlfriend whilst she was on her period. This 'friend' said it was totally gross. 

Why is it only the bizarre and embarrassing childhood memories that stay with us into adulthood? I can barely remember the friends I had as a child of 7, yet I can remember this incident in full clarity. To this day I am unsure why I went rummaging around the bathroom like a hungry bloodhound. My Dad spared me the 'yeah...so sometimes women bleed...from their ladywilly' chat so I could learn at a much later date. I am forever grateful, as no seven year old needs to know that they're holding something that was inside their mother. Gross. 


I think I will retire my career as a comic author here. Two period related stories out of three isn't a great sign. 


Leave some of your embarrassing childhood memories in the comments to make me look less weird. 

Alien almost ruined vaginas for me. Almost.

10 years before I slithered out of my mother's babyshoot Alien was released in cinemas. This film played on man's fear of being torn apart by a 7ft creature made of spikes, teeth, extra teeth, acid and phallic symbolism. The film was full of sexual imagery and used it to great effect to make people back in '79 shit their pants and get the weirdest boner of their life. 

I mostly come at night...mostly...

I braved watching the Alien movies at the tender age of 12. I was a fairly innocent 12 year old so I didn't pick up on any of the sexual imagery of the Alien creatures. Obviously with age and the first curious session of masturbation I became more interested in female anatomy and sex in general. Little did I know I had been tainted by these movies. The first time I saw a vagina spread eagled I couldn't help but be reminded of this: 

I bet some of you reading this were doubting how obvious the sexual imagery in Alien really was. I have a hard time trying to think of anything the 'facehugger' reminds me of other than a vagina. When I was 12 pornography was hard to come by, especially when I still had dial up at this point. I would eagerly wait 5 minutes to load just one picture, only to not be able to get the image of this Alien face rapist out of my mind. 


Not only does Alien attempt to make vaginas even more terrifying it also plagued many a sex act for me:

'He's coming outta the Goddamn...mouth?'

Jizz is not just baby gravy, but also android juice. You cannot watch this scene and look at any cum shot or jizz dribble in the same way again. I had seen this film countless times before I had even seen any type of jizz so any picture or scene involving God's natural glue was always going to remind me of an android vomiting milk. 


Then in sex education they told us that it wasn't uncommon for a girl to bleed when losing her virginity. All I saw was: 

'Game over man, game over...'

Then when learning of oral sex and seeing some pictures of girls sitting on guy's face all I could think was:

'Looks like love at first sight to me'

The moral of the story is; sometimes age restrictions are there for a reason. Don't 12 year old boy watch a movie about vaginas and dicks eating people before he has even seen any images of detailed genitalia. Show him some porn, then let him watch Alien. Otherwise they'll end up as warped as me. 
Despite all this though by the time I was 15 I was a fully fledged sex pest so it didn't deter me much as soon as those hormones were in full swing. 


Aliens did however give me some great sex advice: use 'short, controlled bursts!'.


Remember to sign off in the comments people. 

Amazon recommends you lose weight, fat ass.

Many months ago I bought an Xbox Kinect. It was the one controller that my girlfriend might be able to use. She didn't need to hold it, it didn't have buttons, and it couldn't be thrown at my person in frustration. My head was full of images of me sitting on the sofa, watching her jump up and down whilst I secretly recorded videos and posted them on Youtube. Unfortunately she's far too aware that I'm a bit of a prick, so any secret filming of her jumping up and down whilst playing 'Kinect jumpy funfun' is impossible. 

"Okay we'll both slap her ass....3...2...1!"

We did however get quite a lot of fun out of it for a couple of weeks and as I'm not allowed to spend my spare cash on strippers and blow, it wasn't the biggest waste of money imaginable. My gripe isn't with Kinect however, as the reason it doesn't get a lot of use is that it requires far too much movement and I find sitting down and drinking beer far more tempting than punching thin air and running on the spot (first world problems eh?). My problem is with the shitty Amazon Recommendations that have followed my purchase of said peripheral device from Amazon. Behold: 

Half-Life 2 is acceptable. The rest can gtfo. 

Not one, but two fitness games on the same page. Thanks Amazon. Thanks for assuming I'm so fat that I want to play 'The Biggest Loser' at home. Maybe I can compete with all the other fatties that I'm friends with, just so I can be branded the thinnest fatty. Not that I have any friends because I'm so fat I probably ate them. So instead of competing with friends I'll probably just cry whilst rubbing salad all over my naked, sweaty body screaming 'why won't you satisfy me?' at the top of my lungs. All whilst some smug prick repeats 'don't give up fatty' from my TV. 


These 'recommendations' are constantly being shoved in my face on Amazon, as if to say 'hey! Stop trying to eat your Kinect chubby and use it to get fit!'. Clearly Amazon is of the impression that people only buy the Kinect to lose weight, and not as a secret ploy to watch their significant other jump up and down so you can ask if her if she wants fries with that shake?


It doesn't stop there however. Even being considered a candidate for 'The Biggest Loser' is preferable to this:

Scary Spice?! 

Fuck you Amazon. I am a man. A man who drinks beer, farts profusely, and who liberally scratches himself in public. I do not need a female pop icon  from a band who popularised the phrase 'girl power' teaching me Yoga. I bet she yells phrases like 'you go girl' and 'work it ladyflaps' just for added feminine appeal. Amazon, you have hurt my feelings and now my masculinity. Why don't you just recommend I buy a big fat pack of tampons and a Michael Bublé CD?!

.................................

Remember to comment and to follow me on Twitter! 

Videogames will turn your pork sword into a vagina

Men are in trouble. We are out of work in record figures, fewer of us are going on to higher education, and we aren't around for our children as much (apparently...). Who or what is to blame for all this? Videogames of course! At least they are if you are believe the ramblings of 68 year old William J. Bennet over at CNN. I'm not certain what makes a fat ex-politician approaching his seventies an expert on videogames and the younger male generation, but apparently he is qualified enough to write an article about it.

'I der know 'bout dem videogames 'n' stuffs' - William J. Bennet.  

Of course if you read his article (I wouldn't recommend it) he seems more concerned with the fact that men are being outdone by women than any 'real' male centred crisis. His opening line 'for the first time in history, women are better educated, more ambitious and arguably more successful than men' certainly doesn't seem all that concerned with the 'decline' of the male gender, but more concerned that men are being outdone by those walking dishwashers/pleasure holes/baby factories they call 'women' *shivers*. 

In Mr Bennet's eyes society shouted "you go girl" (Bennet's down with the kids see?!) in response to the female gender's growing ambition, ignoring any confrontation that may have met the feminist movement initially. Maybe he would have preferred us to shout "make me a damn sandwich" instead, lest those women actually utilise equality to their advantage. William J Bennet is also terribly concerned that he has heard a growing amount of women asking "where are the decent single men?". Now I don't imagine Mr Bennet's social circles puts him around many single women and he has instead got this impression from watching far too much Sex in the City with his immensely unsatisfied wife (she doesn't have a double chin fetish sadly).  

You can't find a good man because you're a bunch of dried up skanks who hang around with a horse. 

To fix all this Mr Bennet has some wonderful words of advice to all 20something men "get off the video games five hours a day, get yourself together, get a challenging job and get married". This is the only way men will be able to claim back their place as top dog and once again send women back to the fiery pit of the kitchen. This whole argument is based on the fact that videogames are an entirely male driven phenomenon. But women play videogames as well and female gamers are on the increase.  

I swear to God that controller better be an elaborate sandwich woman!

I swear to God that controller better be an elaborate sandwich woman! 

My conclusion is that this whole article by Mr Bennet stems on his own struggle with masculinity after his wife stuck her finger up his pooper. He now thinks that women are trying to take over the world. It has nothing to do with videogames but they make an easy target to pin the blame. I, for one couldn't give a shit if women did become the dominant sex. Hear me out gentlemen; maybe girls could work all day long whilst we all sit at home and play videogames? I wouldn't even mind making her a sandwich from time to time if that was the case. 

I hope you enjoyed this elaborate entry about sandwich making. If you didn't leave a comment and say why. If you did enjoy it 'like' it on facebook or 'tweet' it! Don't forget to leave a comment!

Dear Pornography, we need to talk.

I, like the majority of men watch pornography from time to time. I'm not a regular user, but I do dabble. My girlfriend's general reaction to pornography is 'ew gross' and I don't blame her. It's hard to disagree with her when watching a woman bend her head up towards a 12" dick, hungrily awaiting a face-full of jizz like a baby bird awaits its Mother's regurgitated food. Countless magazine articles recommend watching pornography with your other half to spice up the love life. They are wrong. All pornography does is convince you that a good sex life entails:

• Grabbing and shaking a girls ass like a cocktail shaker.
• Lots of threesomes.
• Spitting all over your girlfriend. Preferably on her ass. The bigger the loogie the better.
• Slapping. Jesus don't forget the slapping. Slap the thighs, ass, boobs, whatever. Then when you're finished, slap her with your cock. 
• An impossibly large penis which looks long enough to penetrate a girl lung should you engage in fellatio. 

Now general life experience has taught me that the vast majority of women don't like a lot of these acts, which is good, because I wouldn't really want to perform any of these acts (and my dick isn't going to be penetrating any lungs). 

Having already admitted to watching pornography it may strike you as strange that I find pornography so bizarre. But pornography wins by default. It's only competition is my imagination, which is severely lacking due to a childhood full of videogames instead of reading books or whatever. To really express the huge range of emotions I feel when watching pornography I felt I needed to put it in video form. Enjoy:

There you have it. Pornography brings me to tears. Or more likely it's the shame of being a grown man and knowing I still fap my todger like I did when I was 14. 

If you like this blog don't forget to leave me a comment. Or if you think I'm a prick leave a comment. Basically leave a comment, or subscribe to the blog or the youtube channel. If people like the video I may be tempted to add my camp West Country drawl to another one. 

A fan picture depicting my death.

This is just a short entry to post up a fan picture from RubyTed in response to the blog entries 'this woman wants to wear my skin like a glove' and 'I'd probably get a boob job if it meant a week off work'. Obviously the high standard of art quality set out by stationery girl are hard to achieve but kudos to RubyTed for trying:

This picture is clearly lacking the intricate details of the work it imitates but it is still a fine piece of art. 'Rubyted' has perfectly captured the tumour I have on my left shoulder and the way my turkey thin neck sits slightly to the right of my collar. Stationery girl also seems to be missing an eye which might explain why she has chosen to kill me with a gardening trowel. It appears 'Rubyted' is also under the impression that stationery girl doesn't own shoes or teeth, which would go some way to explaining her slightly unhinged personality. 


I would love to hear from fans of the blog if only the prove that it isn't just me viewing it! So if you want to get in touch please do so! You can leave a comment or follow me on twitter (theMatty_p_b). Thanks again to 'Rubyted' for her addition! 

The truth behind Jedward's tweets.

I have very recently joined Twitter (follow me @TheMatty_P_B). Deciding who to follow was hard, but following Jedward was an easy decision. After hearing this interview on Radio1 I decided that Jedward are the most mentally unstable entertainers currently in the public eye. Twitter went on to not only prove it, but make it so glaringly obvious I'm surprised that these two Aryan Jimmy Neutron impersonators aren't in a padded cell. For all my non-UK based readers here is a picture:

'Maybe we should kiss to break the tension?'

Despite me having only been following Jedward for a couple of days they have provided me with a wealth of 'Tweets' so bizarrely random that I'm pretty sure I could dedicate this entire blog to their warped minds (don't worry - I won't!).

If any other celebrity made a statement such as this everybody would be suggesting rehab. I like to imagine Jedward  were chowing down on tabs of acid whilst rubbing hairbrushes across their hair and face before writing this tweet. 

With drinking comes urination. It's a fact of life. Most of us urinate from between our legs but apparently not Jedward. I can only assume that they are telling us that they have 2 dicks, one that dangles from their left leg, and another from their right. This would mean when Jedward stand next to each other they would look like a two headed octopus. Awesome. 

I think seals are pretty cool too. They flop around like a fat man with his trousers caught around his cancles. Taking one for sushi would be just the level of crazy that has made Jedward so famous. I can already see the headline 'Jedward ravished by seals after inviting them for sushi'. Would you take this for dinner?  

...you're next Jedward

Ninjas are famous for many things. They are badass, lethal with a blade, and could probably kill you without even moving. They certainly aren't known for their amazing Jedi like accuracy with their piss however. I for one don't pee in the dark as the bathroom light is only an arms reach away from my toilet. Sure when the light hits my sleep addled eyes it feels as though my retinas are melting, but it is preferable to peeing all over the floor. 

Perhaps Jedward's hair is so blonde that it works as some sort of light source allowing them to vaguely see where the toilet is? This would be ignoring the fact that Jedward has a dick dangling from each leg so any accuracy whilst peeing would be impossible. 

Note that all these tweets were captured within a 2 day time frame. There were many more strange tweets that never made the cut. It is easy to laugh at Jedward as quite frankly, they are fucking mental. But their insanity has made them famous and they are probably millionaires by now snorting coke with seals whilst all four of their dicks are being sucked by ninjas.

Like a boss.

Is Google Insane or is Twilight to blame?

Only if it's 69

Now I, like many others, assume that the 'suggestions' given by Google are searches commonly done by other 'Googlers'. This particular search is often cited as one of the most insane of Google suggestions. I find it hard to believe that there are enough women eating their period blood who have only Google to question it's normality to put this suggestion to the top of the list. 

Either Google added this suggestion as a sick joke or people are genuinely searching for this. If this is the case I blame the Twilight novels entirely. 

Twilight fans are so obsessed with the idea of Edward Cullen (who wears glitter and isn't gay or David Bowie?) being their immortal boyfriend that they thought they would give themselves an advanced preview of life as a soulless blood sucking disco ornament by tasting their period blood.

"You going to eat that tampon?"

Fantasising about a boyfriend who watches you sleep, threatens that he may 'lose control' during a kiss (totally not rapey...), and could break your spine if he ever ploughed you with his ice cold weiner is going to go some way to desensitise you from eating your own period blood. For those of you who doubt Twilight fan's love for Edward Cullen here is another Google suggestion:

You heard it here first: Edward Cullen is actually a foot. 

Edward Cullen's imagined sexual prowess is such that his mere beauty alone is enough to make a women climax. Either that or they sprayed whipped cream in their face as part of an equally bizarre sexual fantasy. However all of these women ignore the fact that Edward Cullen's heart no longer functions so any sustained erection would be completely impossible. That and his balls probably shrivelled up in shame when they realised their owner sparkles in sunlight, meaning any climax Edward Cullen had would be mostly made up of dust. 

Edward Cullen climaxes on a man's face

I wonder if stationery girl reads Twilight? It would explain a hell of a lot, and I'd probably feel a degree of sympathy for her knowing she fantasises about either a corpse or a wolf as a boyfriend. Choosing between necrophilia and bestiality is never easy.   

"Don't be silly that's a teabag not a tampon!"

I like to think I single handedly solved the mystery of Google's weirdest suggestion. Agree or disagree? 

I'd probably get a boob job if it meant a week off work.

Read part 1 here! 


My 'big one' wasn't perfect. It arrived with an extra pack of 36 toilet rolls that we didn't order. This meant replying to the bizarre picture email was unavoidable. Since she sent me her Paint masterpiece there had been no contact between us. It was the elephant in the Outlook. I mean what do you say in reply to something like that? 'I love the shading on the grass'? 'The detail on the pighamsterfaetus is excellent'? I decided to just commend her artist efforts with 'I liked the picture, looking forward to the next one' tagged on to an awkward email about how we didn't want their crappy 2 ply toilet paper. That's just asking for fingers to go through the toilet paper. 

Now I assumed the bog roll issue was just a simple error and wouldn't go as far to call it 'unacceptable behaviour' but perhaps 'Lady' is really upset that she would think me naive enough to buy 2ply toilet paper. Few things are as degrading as having to wash own your excrement off your fingers. 


Today's picture however is of her colleague, who has not been mentioned to me as of yet, but apparently I should have a pictorial representation of her.  'Lady' has also drawn her colleague's dog (who we shall refer to as Tits Magee), which she notes is a 'Pomeranian'. This leads me to believe that she put a bit more effort into drawing the dog than she did with her previous animal creations, indicating perhaps that she tried to capture the unusual fluffy nature of said breed. 


Here is 'Tits Magee' with her Pomperanian:

Now as bizarre as this picture is at least it has some basis in the realms of reality and has not simply come from watching The Sound of Music on acid. However perhaps instead of getting a boob job 'Tits Magee' should have had a hand transplant. Not sure whether a hand transplant would be possible given her arms appear to giant Wotsits sprayed in blood. At first I considered that maybe she sold her hands to some sort of hand pervert to pay for the boob job - hence the blood, but this seems impossible given the smile on her face. 


Her dog seems to share the same Wotsit tone of Tits Magee's skin, which makes me think this particular version of MS Paint has a very limited colour pallet. The dog does appear to be in very ill health, raising concern over the animal's well-being. For starters both eyes appear to be riddled with multiple cataracts meaning the dog is likely completely blind (perhaps it ate it's owners hands thinking they were Wotsits). If you look to the rear of the animal it is also apparent that the anus seems to be hanging out of the animal, closely remembling Steven Tyler's lips (see below).

Case in Point.

My main concern however is that the dog's back leg(s) seem to be wasting away almost as if it is suffering from muscular dystrophy. It seems that it's already lost one leg from the disease slowly eating away at its body, and has some sort of stump instead. The front legs in strict contrast look like they were amputated straight off the Elephant man. I can only assume this poor dog is riddled with disease. I hate to say it but I can only recommend putting this poor animal to sleep. 


Hopefully the animal will get smothered in those sweet new boobies before passing away though.

Go peacefully fluffy one. 

Remember if you enjoyed this blog to share, follow, comment and otherwise shove it in your friend's faces. Maybe I'll send you a birthday card with these Paint Masterpieces on if you do.