Dinosaurs

I love dinosaurs as much as the next sane person but I've always had this nagging feeling that their time on this earth completely overshadows ours, and that they completely overstayed their welcome. 

I could be swinging around a lightsabre on the Starship Enterprise with my new friend the T1000 if it wasn't for those damn dinosaurs.

Technique

Seduction is a hard technique to master. A man must be confident without coming across as cocky, he must remain suave without coming across as being gay, and he must be charming without coming across as creepy. I have mastered none of these but I feel that my readers should learn from my mistakes on the clubbing scene. To describe one fateful night and failed chat-up line I have drawn a comic to document the event:

Many more cringe worthy moments have occurred and will eventually make it to this blog.  

Being single

It has been 4 months since I have written a blog here so I felt it was high time I updated it. Not much has changed in those months but I am now single! After 3 and a half years me and my ex called it a day. This means that my vulgar and twisted mind needs to learn how to communicate with people of the opposite sex once again. I am 3 years out of practise, and even back then my technique consisted of getting really drunk then ploughing onto the dance floor in hope that my gyrating hips and 80s dance moves might not repulse every single girl there. My success rate wasn't great. So I must learn how to 'play the game' as such, and I plan on documenting my journey to stud-dom here. So here's what I've learned so far.

The clubbing scene.


I really, really want to love clubs. They are the meat market of pulling hot spots. I actually have a lot of fun getting drunk, doing the robot, and generally pissing about with friends. But the whole 'shoes and shirt' thing needs to change. As a man I am forced to wear smart shoes and a smart shirt to be allowed entry. I wouldn't mind this if it wasn't for the fact that I will undoubtedly get some drunk girl's heal pounded on top of my foot, taking a chunk out of my best shoes . This is after some 6ft Rugby player has barged into her, knocking her Bacardi and Coke all over the aforementioned shirt. Instead of a dress code clubs should provide their customers with a poncho and wooden clogs.


As for attracting the opposite sex in a club I can't help but notice everyone is at their worst. Eyes are drooping, sweat patches are appearing, and kissing anyone in a club is like playing vomit roulette. If your lucky they haven't puked, if you're really unlucky you might end up with a chunk'o'chunder in your own mouth. All of this coupled by the fact that everyone around the club seems to be doing this:

It really doesn't make for the sexiest environment to meet people. The remedy I have found is to drink so much you no longer care. Still, no luck thus far.


Text message etiquette.


"How long should I wait before I text her? Should I text her back instantly to show I'm keen or wait half a day so I don't seem desperate? What if she asks to sext, I hate sexting?! Do I match her kisses or give her less because I'm a man!? AND WHY CAN'T I STOP MAKING THE :P FACE IN EVERY GODDAMN TXT I SEND?!" - These are all questions any man with a half a pair of testicles wouldn't worry about. But I am no ordinary man. My main concern is that something I say will be taken the wrong way so I find myself constantly using emoticons to make sure that no text message may be misconstrued. This means that in every text message I send to a female will be full of :)s, :Ps and ;)s. The downside to this is I look like a 14 year old with a severe addiction to MSN messenger. Conclusion: my text message communication needs desperate attention.

Fuckin' mobiles

So far in my adventures of being single I have:

• Lost a mobile
• Had a wallet stolen
• Torn a ligament in my knee requiring me to spend 6 weeks on crutches. So if you know anyone with a House (the Hugh Laurie kind) or cripple fetish send them my way.
• Smiled at many ladies, only to have them smile back causing instant panic, immediate looks to the floor and profuse sweating. Beta male all the way.

I have much to learn.

Hugh Laurie anyone?

Run, Forest! Run!

I graduated University back in 2010 and at the time it was the conclusion to a manic three years of booze, videogames, and junk food. It was everything I expected and wanted, however what I didn't expect was to come out the other side feeling like a fat load. It turns out eating nothing but cheese based foods followed by gallons of beer and rum is not good for your waist line. So I, like many others, made it my new years resolution to improve my level of fitness and fight the beer belly. To ensure I did this I signed myself up to a half marathon hoping the pressure of the event would force me to go running. To a degree it has worked and next month on the 11th March I am going to be running 13.1 miles to raise money for charity.


13.1 miles is a long distance. When I signed up to do this run I hadn't quite fathomed that 13.1 miles is a sizeable distance. Shortly after my first run, where I assumed I had hit the 5 mile mark only to realise it was closer to the 2 mile mark did it hit home that this wasn't going to be as easy as I first thought. 13.1 miles is really far. They shouldn't call it a 'half marathon' but a marathon. Then call a marathon a 'double marathon' or something. 


But the real reason for this blog post is I am plugging for support. I am hoping to raise money for the NSPCC who help protect vulnerable children. My money raising page can be found here and any amount you can give will be used for a good cause! So dig deep and throw some monetary encouragement my way. So c'mon don't be shy and just imagine every £ you give is a punch to a paedophiles face.

Yahoo...answers?

My adventures on the internet have led to me to 'Yahoo! Answers'. This is a website where users post questions that Google couldn't answer, and instead get people to find the answer for them. The questions are often hilarious and offer significant proof that humanity has some serious issues. Case number one:

Just why? I imagine it would tickle like crazy for a start. Surely the minute the cat's sandpapery tongue hits those delicate nipples you drop kick it into another room, instead of letting the cat continue for such a length of time your nipples change colour? If your nipples have turned yellow, for whatever reason, you should probably see your doctor. Unless your cat has some sort of infection and has just dribbled harmless gunk all over your nipple. In no circumstance should you begin a search for Jesus as he does not own a medical degree, nor does he have veterinary knowledge of cats.

Well at least the cat might have been getting some form of sordid pleasure but the same cannot be said for this poor turtle. Masturbation is often an emotional thing, especially during the shame filled aftermath whilst you pull out the globules of semen from your public hair from where you accidentally tilted the tissue paper you hoped would catch your load. Masturbating is a private thing and taking it out on your pet turtle is completely irrational as he holds no blame in your act.  

'You like to watch don't you Mr. Turtle?'

Now for a mother whacking off her son. Lol. 

This is why prostitution should be legalised. No boy should have to lose out on playing with himself because he has no arms and no mother should ever have to fill in the void left by Mr. Righthand. This poor boy has no arms and now he's getting his Dad's sloppy seconds. Imagine how awkward dinner would be in that family, especially when the husband notices the sudden muscle growth in his wife's arm. At least we know this kid isn't throwing any turtles at the walls though.


Of course this is the internet where everything is potentially made up and with stories like these we can only hope.

2011: The greatest hits

2011 is over and 2012 is now upon us. The blog has been running regularly since August now so I would like to take this moment to thank everyone who has been reading regularly for all the support. As it stands the blog has reached 7093 hits which is an amazing figure to hit for someone of my limited skills and talent. The blog is now receiving fairly regular hits from Google (for all the wrong reasons...more on that at a later date!) and I plan to continue to write here into 2012. 


For now I am going to look at the 5 Greatest Hits from 2011. 


5. This woman wants to wear my skin like a glove 

In at number 5 we have an instance of batshit crazy meeting office banality in the blog entry that kick started this whole blog. The 'stationery girl' was a twisted muse that was so unintentionally hilarious I knew I had to share her emails and art work with the world. This blog had a sequel entry: 'I'd probably get a boob job if it meant a week off work' with additional art. To this day I still order stationery from the same person and company but 'stationery girl' has definitely become a lot less entertaining in her emails and no longer experiments with Microsoft Paint. 


4. Amazon recommends you lose weight, fat ass.

The fourth most visited blog entry is a long winded Michael Bublé joke centred around the Xbox Kinect. Soon after buying the Kinect I soon started realising that the majority of my 'Amazon Recommendations' had become a lot more exercise orientated and female friendly, with recommendations as hurtful as 'Get Fit with Mel B'.

It looks so manly...how was I to know? 

3. Videogames will turn your pork sword into a vagina.

Third position is taken by the rant I wrote about William J. Bennet's comments about videogames being the bane of masculinity and his concern over female success. In a blog almost devoid of smut and filth I am fairly surprised about the amount of hits it has received. Perhaps it was the flattering picture of the retired politician that brought in the numbers? 

..nope. 

2. Is Google insane or is Twilight to blame?

In at the number 2 spot is the blog centred around one of Google's strangest 'suggestions'. I explained it all perfectly with a little help from the Twilight books. Be sure to read my experience with the Twilight Breaking Dawn film for more sparkly vampire fuelled rants. 


1. Dear Pornography, we need to talk. 


Apparently putting 'pornography' is the best way to attract hits. This blog in particular has almost triple the amount of views than the number two spot. The accompanying Youtube video alone has over 700 hits! The tongue in cheek pornography criticism proved quite the hit but perhaps it was just the sight of seeing me pretend to masturbate?


Thanks for the support everyone, this is how you make me feel: