Yahoo...answers?

My adventures on the internet have led to me to 'Yahoo! Answers'. This is a website where users post questions that Google couldn't answer, and instead get people to find the answer for them. The questions are often hilarious and offer significant proof that humanity has some serious issues. Case number one:

Just why? I imagine it would tickle like crazy for a start. Surely the minute the cat's sandpapery tongue hits those delicate nipples you drop kick it into another room, instead of letting the cat continue for such a length of time your nipples change colour? If your nipples have turned yellow, for whatever reason, you should probably see your doctor. Unless your cat has some sort of infection and has just dribbled harmless gunk all over your nipple. In no circumstance should you begin a search for Jesus as he does not own a medical degree, nor does he have veterinary knowledge of cats.

Well at least the cat might have been getting some form of sordid pleasure but the same cannot be said for this poor turtle. Masturbation is often an emotional thing, especially during the shame filled aftermath whilst you pull out the globules of semen from your public hair from where you accidentally tilted the tissue paper you hoped would catch your load. Masturbating is a private thing and taking it out on your pet turtle is completely irrational as he holds no blame in your act.  

'You like to watch don't you Mr. Turtle?'

Now for a mother whacking off her son. Lol. 

This is why prostitution should be legalised. No boy should have to lose out on playing with himself because he has no arms and no mother should ever have to fill in the void left by Mr. Righthand. This poor boy has no arms and now he's getting his Dad's sloppy seconds. Imagine how awkward dinner would be in that family, especially when the husband notices the sudden muscle growth in his wife's arm. At least we know this kid isn't throwing any turtles at the walls though.


Of course this is the internet where everything is potentially made up and with stories like these we can only hope.

2011: The greatest hits

2011 is over and 2012 is now upon us. The blog has been running regularly since August now so I would like to take this moment to thank everyone who has been reading regularly for all the support. As it stands the blog has reached 7093 hits which is an amazing figure to hit for someone of my limited skills and talent. The blog is now receiving fairly regular hits from Google (for all the wrong reasons...more on that at a later date!) and I plan to continue to write here into 2012. 


For now I am going to look at the 5 Greatest Hits from 2011. 


5. This woman wants to wear my skin like a glove 

In at number 5 we have an instance of batshit crazy meeting office banality in the blog entry that kick started this whole blog. The 'stationery girl' was a twisted muse that was so unintentionally hilarious I knew I had to share her emails and art work with the world. This blog had a sequel entry: 'I'd probably get a boob job if it meant a week off work' with additional art. To this day I still order stationery from the same person and company but 'stationery girl' has definitely become a lot less entertaining in her emails and no longer experiments with Microsoft Paint. 


4. Amazon recommends you lose weight, fat ass.

The fourth most visited blog entry is a long winded Michael Bublé joke centred around the Xbox Kinect. Soon after buying the Kinect I soon started realising that the majority of my 'Amazon Recommendations' had become a lot more exercise orientated and female friendly, with recommendations as hurtful as 'Get Fit with Mel B'.

It looks so manly...how was I to know? 

3. Videogames will turn your pork sword into a vagina.

Third position is taken by the rant I wrote about William J. Bennet's comments about videogames being the bane of masculinity and his concern over female success. In a blog almost devoid of smut and filth I am fairly surprised about the amount of hits it has received. Perhaps it was the flattering picture of the retired politician that brought in the numbers? 

..nope. 

2. Is Google insane or is Twilight to blame?

In at the number 2 spot is the blog centred around one of Google's strangest 'suggestions'. I explained it all perfectly with a little help from the Twilight books. Be sure to read my experience with the Twilight Breaking Dawn film for more sparkly vampire fuelled rants. 


1. Dear Pornography, we need to talk. 


Apparently putting 'pornography' is the best way to attract hits. This blog in particular has almost triple the amount of views than the number two spot. The accompanying Youtube video alone has over 700 hits! The tongue in cheek pornography criticism proved quite the hit but perhaps it was just the sight of seeing me pretend to masturbate?


Thanks for the support everyone, this is how you make me feel: